Coming out
by Ozymandias9
Summary: “What would make you happy?” There were so many answers. And he couldn’t have them all. What it really came down to was that lying to all these people he cared about was making him miserable. NoahLuke
1. Miserable

Coming Out

Part 1

"What would make you happy?"

Luke's question had been echoing in Noah's mind for over a week now. There were so many answers. It made him happy when his father looked at him with pride. It made him happy when he and Maddie watched old movies and spoke the lines to each other. And it made him happy in a way he had never felt before when Luke smiled at him, kissed him, talked to him.

And he couldn't have them all. So what it really came down to was that lying to all these people he cared about was making him miserable. So he had to tell Maddie. And then… well, he would worry about that later.

But how do you tell someone that you've been using them? Not just some anonymous someone, but someone who you care about? He'd never done anything like this before. He'd never betrayed someone before.

And they were living together now. He would have to leave. And that would be as good a way to broach the conversation as anything else. So he got out his duffle and began to pack some clothes.

As he packed he stopped and looked at the bag he was using. It was an army duffle, one he got from his father. On the side, white spray paint broke the olive green with his father's name. He had had this bag longer than he could remember. Every time he had arrived at a new base, a new town, he had arrived with this bag. And even though his childhood wasn't happy, it still hurt when he realized that he could never go back to that part of his life.

But he still grabbed a shirt and kept packing. Maddie would be back from seeing Henry and Vienna soon, and he would have to be ready to tell her and leave. Ready to tell her that he had used her, that he had betrayed her. Ready to tell her that he… that he was gay. That was hard even to think about. A few days ago, he couldn't even admit it to himself. He shook his head and took a deep breath. He would have to get used to telling people—he was going to have to do it a lot in the next couple of days.

He looked into the empty bedroom and for the first time in his life, he said "I'm gay." Somehow the words didn't sound as dangerous out loud. He had expected to feel dirty when he said them. Instead be felt relief. He smiled. He knew that this wouldn't be easy, but it felt good to say that and not hate himself for it. As he grabbed his stuff from the bathroom and closed up his bag, he felt better than he had in a long time. 

But that went away the front door opened and Maddie looked at him, already hurt and confused. "Noah? Wh-why are you packed? What's going on?"

Even with all of his father's bullying and pressuring, even with all the slurs he had heard and even said over the years, he had never felt quite as ashamed as he felt right now. And he knew, no matter how happy it made his father to see them together, what he had done to Maddie had made him less of a man.

He put down the duffel in the hall and took a second to gather his nerve. The he looked he in the eye and said "Maddie, we need to talk." He only hoped that someday she might forgive him.


	2. Silence

Coming Out

Part 2

Noah really wasn't sure what he had expected Maddie to do when he told her. He could have dealt with her screaming at him or slapping him. He deserved her anger. What he hadn't known how to deal with was the silence. She just sat there. But he could see in her eyes that she was hurt.

So he talked. He told her about the night at the farm. He told her about the kiss. And he told her about how Luke had stood up to him about using her. He kept talking until there was nothing left to tell her. And she still didn't say anything.

So he grabbed his bag and walked to the door. But before he left he thought of one last thing to say. "I'll talk to Kim on Monday. I'll quit. You won't have to see me at work." And then she finally said something.

"No."

Noah stopped. This was one more thing that he hadn't expected. He put the bag back down and stared at her for a moment before he spoke. "Maddie… I…"

"No. You shouldn't quit. I'm pissed at you. What you did, it—it's horrible. I don't want to see you right now. I don't even want you to exist. But I know that after that's gone I'll still want to be your friend. And Luke's. So I don't think we should work on things together for a while, but you shouldn't quit."

He really wasn't sure what to say, only that he had to say something. He struggled to find something, he spoke: "Maddie, I… I don't …"

But she cut him off. "You should leave now." And he knew as he picked up his bag and opened the door that there wasn't anything else that needed to be said.


	3. Lily's Interlude

Coming Out: Lily's Interlude

Part 3

In a different part of Oakdale another fight had gotten significantly more heated. Lily wasn't sure how she and Holden had started fighting this time, but it had ended with them both yelling and her storming out. Sometimes she wondered how they could still fight like this after everything they'd been through. But then again, their relationship had never been calm.

And what hurt the most was that she knew that this was her doing; that had she been forthright with her husband, the might be on a date right now instead of being livid at each other. But instead of flirting with her husband over dinner or holding his hand in the back of a movie theatre, she was walking around downtown Oakdale trying desperately to regain some measure of composure.

And then suddenly she was not so much walking as falling. The young man she had run into had regained his balance and was offering his hand to help her up. She tried to place where she recognized him from as he apologized to her: "I'm sorry Mrs. Snyder. I should have been paying attention to where I was going. Are you alright?"

As he helped her to her feet she finally placed where she knew him from. "I'm fine," she said as he helped her up. "I wasn't watching where I was going either. You're Luke's friend. It's Noah, right?"

Lily was still far from calm, even with the shock of a fall to distract her. But even in the state she was in, she noticed that Noah flinched when she said Luke's name. Luke hadn't said much about his friends WOAK recently. She found herself wondering if perhaps they had had a falling out. Noah confirmed that idea when he responded, saying "Yeah. Though I haven't been much of a friend lately."

Normally, had someone hurt her son, Lily Snyder would have hated them with all her soul. But tonight wasn't normal. Tonight, she was keenly aware of what it felt like to hurt someone that you cared about. Tonight she could hear the remorse in Noah's voice. She managed to smile weakly at him and say "If you weren't a good friend, you wouldn't sound so sad when you said that." It made her feel better when he smiled back; it was good to know that someone else was in the same situation as here. " We never try to, but sometimes we hurt the people we care about."

With that he bent down to pick up a bag that she hadn't noticed before and said "Thank you. It means a lot that you think that."

The bag made Lily pause for a second. It wasn't a small bag. If he were 20 years older and the bag it was a suitcase, it might seem normal. But he might be 20, and it was a large duffel. It wasn't the kind of bag a 20 year old packed for a overnight stay somewhere or a weekend at a friends. It was the kind of bag that a 20 year old only packed if they were going to be gone for a while. She motioned to the bag, asking "Are you leaving town?"

Noah flinched at the question, even more visibly than he had when she mentioned Luke. But after a moment he answered, "No. I guess I'm going to be spending a few nights in a cheap motel."

Now Lily flinched herself. The Lakeview wasn't a cheap motel, but she still wasn't going to be sleeping at home tonight. But at least she was calmer now that she had someone to talk to. But she noted that it didn't seem to be doing quite as much good for Noah. Silence, however, never solved anything, and perhaps a bit more conversation would help the both of them. She went forward a few steps before she turned back to Noah: "Care to walk with me? It would be good to have someone to talk to."

Noah managed to smile, albeit meekly, as he slung his bag over his shoulder. "Talking would be nice," he replied as he turned in the direction Lily was headed.

The bag and the motel comment begged only one question, but it took Lily a moment to figure out how to approach it. She like Maddie, but she couldn't help but feel sorry for this young man. She decided to take the middle ground as she broached the topic, saying "I take it you and Maddie are having some problems?"

His voice became softer as he replied. "That's putting it lightly," he said. "And every bit of it is my fault."

Lily sighed. They really did seem to be in the same boat tonight. "I know how that feels," she said. "But at least you can admit it: that takes a strong person." She paused for a moment, not entirely sure that she should ask her next question. She decided that she should, if only because it meant they would keep talking. "Do you think," she asked, "that you'll be able to work it out?"

Noah's looked down as he responded, answering "Not the way that you mean. But I think, eventually that we might be friends again. After what I've done to Maddie and Luke in the past couple of weeks, that's really more than I deserve."

The word "deserve" echoed in Lily's mind. What did you have to do to deserve forgiveness? Many of the people she had forgiven over the years probably hadn't deserved it. Had she deserved to be forgiven every time that she had? Did she deserve for Luke to forgive her for the way that she had treated him after he came out? Did she deserve for Holden to forgive her now? It made her feel infinitely better when she realized that it didn't matter. "I think," she said to Noah, "that when people forgive those they care about, it has more to do with the fact that they care about them than whether or not they deserve it." She knew as she said it why Luke had forgiven her and she knew as well that, despite the fight that they had tonight, Holden would forgive her as well. It made her feel good to have hope that everything would work out.

And apparently it made Noah feel better too, because he was smiling again and this time is was less forced. He slowed down a bit as they approached the corner of the block and asked "Do you really think so?"

She placed her hand on his shoulder and smiled back, saying "I really do." As they turned the corner, she removed her hand and pointed at the sign for the Lakeview, saying "Well, Noah, it looks like we're here."

Noah nodded and began to speak. "I'd better get going then. It was …"

Before he could finish Lily interrupted him. "Don't be silly," she said. "You're staying here. I'll take care of it."

Noah shook his head and protested, saying "No. I can't let you do that. I…"

Once again Lily cut him off. Whatever Noah might have done that he felt it necessary to punish himself for, she liked the young man. She wasn't going to let him sleep in a roach motel. Not when she owned half of a hotel he could stay in. She put on a face she hoped looked stern and said "I don't like being told what I can do with my hotel. Besides, you've spent a lot of hours helping at the call center. It means a lot to our whole family that you're helping to find JJ. We look out for our friends. I won't take no for an answer."

Noah hesitated for a moment before he started walking again. The two of them were almost out the door when it flew open and out walked Luke.


	4. Coffee

Coming Out

Part 4

Noah froze as Luke burst out of the door of the Lakeview. He hadn't planned on talking to Luke today. Truthfully, he hadn't planned much. But now Luke was here, and he was staring at him.

But at least he didn't stare long: after a moment he was looking at Mrs. Snyder instead. Noah realized that he must be here looking for her: it didn't seem like she was having a great day either.

"Mom, I've been looking everywhere for you," Luke said. "Aaron told me what happened. Are you alright?" Noah felt a bit guilty that about it, but he was actually glad that Mrs. Snyder was having problems: at least it meant that Luke wasn't paying attention to him.

That brief, however, respite was over when Mrs. Snyder spoke. "I'm fine," she said. "Well, at least I will be. Noah here was keeping me company. I'm going to go and have them make up a room for me. And you too, Noah. Don't argue. Just head to the desk when you're ready. They'll take care of you."

And suddenly, as Mrs. Snyder walked off, her son's attention was once more focused squarely on Noah. Luke's gaze made Noah even more uncomfortable. After a couple of seconds, he had to speak, if only to break the silence. He looked at his shoes, saying "So, Luke…"

Even if there were an end to that sentence, he wouldn't have gotten to say it. Luke broke in a moment later. "So," he said, motioning at Noah's duffel, "you told Maddie?"

Noah was barely able to find his voice as he replied. "Yeah," he whispered. "I told her. You should probably call her. I don't want things to get screwed up between you two."

"Henry's already headed over. I told him to go when I saw you with a gigantic duffel." Luke motioned to the window of the Lakeview as he spoke. "Besides," he said, "it doesn't look like you had a great day either."

"Not exactly something I want to repeat," Noah replied, "but it does feel better not to be lying to people all the time. To myself too. When ever I imagined saying I was gay, I thought it would feel horrible. But it doesn't. It's feels… like I've been hiding for a long time and now I don't have to."

"I remember that. It did feel good," Luke said as he smiled. His eyes darted a bit. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he asked "Want to get some coffee before you go to your room?"

That smile made Noah feel better. He nodded and the two of them walked towards the hotel café. And as they walked, it occurred to Noah that even though Maddie was one of Luke's best friends, Luke was still here, with him.

And so, after they both got a coffee and sat down, he felt a bit more confident about the question that was running through his head. Or at least, he wasn't scared to death, because it still took him a minute of pretending he was very interested in the cardboard ring around his coffee cup before he could muster up the courage to speak. "So," he finally asked, "are… are we ok?"

Luke chuckled at the question as he answered. "Yeah. I think we're good." And when Luke reached over the table and grabbed his hand, Noah found himself really smiling: not the tentative half smile he had been using all day, but a genuine smile.

And Luke smiled back.

After a moment Luke broke silence. "Are you doing anything tonight?" he asked.

"I am now."


	5. Daybreak

The earliest bits of sunrise drifted through the window of Noah's hotel room, slowly pushing him awake. He stifled his yawn, trying not to wake Luke. The other man didn't wake, but Noah's movement didn't go entirely unnoticed: The arm draped around Noah's chest pulled him closer to Luke. He wasn't about to complain. After last night, he guessed, Luke was his boyfriend. Or at least he hoped so. And lying in bed with his boyfriend seemed like a good way to spend the morning.

As he laid there, remembering the night before, Noah's eyes drifted to the alarm clock. 7 am. Were he still on a military base, the day would have already started.

And suddenly Noah's found himself a bit less carefree. The thoughts of his youth had dragged his mind back to his Father. At some point, his father would find out. And deep down, Noah knew that would probably be the last time his father would ever talk to. Regardless of how much they didn't get along, that would hurt.

Maybe he could just not tell his father. It's not like they saw each other every day.

But Noah knew that there was no chance that would work. The Colonel's last visit made it clear that he had no problem with showing up unannounced. Sooner or later, his father would find out. It would probably be best if it was because Noah told him face to face. Noah let out a frustrated sigh and rolled onto his back. Today was going to suck.

Noah mentally berated himself a little as Luke began to wake up. He hadn't meant to wake Luke, but his mind had been elsewhere. After a yawn and a few seconds of blinking, Luke rolled over and faced Noah. Noah managed to smile at his boyfriend, but the look Luke gave him made it clear that his anxiety had not gone unnoticed.

"Noah," Luke asked, "what's wrong?"

Noah paused for a moment, looking into Luke's eyes. "It's nothing," he replied. "I… I was just thinking."

Luke sat up in the bed. Noah's 'answer' clearly wasn't sufficient. "Noah! Tell me what's wrong. Please. You… you don't regret what we did? God, I'm so stupid. How could I think you were ready for this? I should have known this…"

Luke's voice was cut off. Noah had pressed himself up against Luke and kissed him. After a second Luke gave in and ran his hands through Noah's hair, desperately trying to search for some source of leverage to pull himself further into the kiss.

After a minute Noah broke the kiss. "I don't regret anything about last night, Luke," he said. "Not a thing."

"What is it then?" Luke asked. "I know something's wrong."

Noah sighed. "I was thinking about my father. I'm… I'm going back to Brandson today."

"So you're telling him?" Luke asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Noah nodded. "It's not exactly something I've been looking forward to."

Luke opened his mouth, ready to say something, but he hesitated. "Do you…" he finally asked, "Do you want me to come?"

Noah smiled at Luke. He hadn't even considered that Luke might come. It meant a lot that he was willing to do that for him. But this was something he had to do alone. "No," he replied. "It would probably only make things messier. And anyways, you really ought to talk to Maddie. I don't want to see you two drifting apart."

Luke put his hand on Noah's shoulder. "If you're sure…"

"I am," Noah replied. He got out of bed, saying "I should start getting ready. It's a long drive to Brandson."

Luke pulled himself up a bit further against the headboard. "I'll be here when you get back."

Noah smiled as he stood in the doorway of the bathroom.

"I know."


	6. The Colonel's Coda

Coming Out: The Colonel's Coda

Part 6

Winston Mayer turned the corner onto the main road of Fort Leonard Wood. He had spent the night discussing old times with General Mark Andrews, who was currently sitting in the passenger seat.

The general was in from Washington with two or three Senators and Congressmen to observe a specialized counter-insurgency training program. It was unfortunate that it took congressional oversight for the two of them to catch up. Winston knew that a big part of that was his fault.

Mark had been his and Kate's best friend. He had been the best man at their wedding.He was Noah's godfather. He was the person that took Winston out to get drunk after he found out that Kate was sick. It was sad that he didn't see Mark more often, but for a long time it had been a lot harder to deal with the fact that Mark reminded him of Kate.

So they had drifted apart over the years. But tonight it had been good to see Mark and talk about Kate and old times: even though it still hurt to think of her, the pain didn't drown out the happy parts anymore. At least not as much.

And so the two continued to reminisce over the drive back from the steakhouse. As they pulled up to the house, they were talking about Tokyo. It all began in Tokyo: two young wounded soldiers at Tokyo General who were lucky enough to make friends with the doctor's daughter. Lucky enough to meet Kate.

And the continued to talk about Tokyo until Mark noticed the blue car in the driveway. "That's Noah's car," he said turning to Winston. "You didn't tell me he was in town."

"I didn't know," Winston replied as he pulled on the parking break.

They entered the house the found Noah sitting at the kitchen table. "Hello sir," he said, standing to greet his father. Winston smiled, inwardly if not visibly: despite all the disagreements they had, it still made Winston proud to know that his son was well mannered. So many kids these days simply didn't seem to care.

Before Winston could reply Noah noticed as Mark came in. "General," he said, "I didn't know you were in town."

"That makes two of us," the general replied. "It's good to see you Noah. And I've told you a hundred times, it's Mark."

"You as well sir," Noah said. But Winston noticed that his son didn't exactly seem overjoyed. Noah had never gone out of his way to spend time with Winston. This visit almost definitely came with bad news.

"What are you doing here, Noah?" he asked, staring at his son.

"My God, Winston, is that any way to greet your son?" Mark said, a bit concerned with the tension that had overtaken the room. "Do you open with the third degree every time you see him?"

Noah looked back and forth between his father and the general. Winston recognized the look of indecision on his face: the boy was trying to decide how to deal with Mark's comment. After as moment he decided to ignore it all together, directing his response to his father's question. "I needed to talk to you, sir," he said. "Can we sit down?"

"And it seems I'm intruding," Mark said as he put back on his coat. "I'll leave you two to talk."

"Nonsense, Mark. You're the boy's godfather after all. Whatever this is about, Noah should be able to you as well." Winston paused for a moment and stared at his son. "Isn't that so, Noah?"

Noah nodded weakly. "I suppose it is," he replied. Turning to Mark, he said "Please stay sir."

"It this about you and Maddie?" Winston asked as the three of them walked to the living room. Mark and Winston sat on the couch and Noah took a seat in the arm chair facing them "Has something happened?"

"Maddie?" Mark questioned. "That's the girl you're dating, right? Winston said you worked with her at the television station."

"Actually, Maddie and I broke up yesterday." Noah replied.

Winston sighed in frustration. It amazed that his son could continue to make such idiotic choices on such a regular basis. "How could you screw that up son? She was a good woman!"

"I did it because it was wrong for me to use her like I was." Noah replied.

"Using her? What are you talking about son? What did you do?" Whatever his son had done to that girl, if he was describing it like that it couldn't be good. He started to stand up when Mark pushed him back down into his seat with a firm hand in the shoulder.

"Calm down, Winston," he said, "and let Noah explain." Winston had to literally bite his tongue, but he waited for Noah to continue.

"I liked Maddie, sir. But as a friend. If I'm honest with myself, I know that the reason that I dated her, the reason I pushed the relationship so fast, was because I knew she was someone you would approve of. I want you to be proud of me sir, but I'm not willing to like to both you and Maddie to do it."

"You seemed willing to lie about it before," Winston said in a raised voice. "And what, pray tell, do you imagine it will feel like when you like someone as more than a friend? Do you think that stars will fall and the little animals will gather around, or do you harbor some other childish notion? You had an attractive woman who you cared about, who your family approved of. What exactly did you find so unbearable about that?"

Noah paused. "Sir, I want you to know," he said, "I've always been proud of you. I know I haven't always been the son you wanted, but I've always been proud to be your son."

This statement only served to increase Winston's anger. "Stop avoiding the question Noah! Be a man and answer when someone asks you something."

Noah sighed. "Maddie wasn't attractive to me sir. I'm gay."

Winston stopped moving altogether and just stood there. Very early in his military career, shortly after combat training, he had learned about controlling his anger. A week in the brig had seen to that. And he knew if he allowed himself move right now, his first action would probably be to strike his son.

After a moment, he spoke: "Excuse me?"

Noah looked directly at his face and spoke again, quite clearly: "I said I'm gay."

"And I suppose you're proud of it too! How can you shame your family like this? How can you choose to live your life in such a dishonorable fashion?!"

Now Noah was standing too. "You think I chose this!?" he yelled. "You think I would choose to make you hate me?! I don't get to choose who I'm attracted to!"

"Bullshit! If you were a real man, you would take responsibility for your actions! But I guess you don't care about things like that!"

Before Noah could reply, both of them turned at the sound of Mark's voice. In his anger, Winston had almost forgotten he was there. "If he weren't a real man, Winston," he said, "he wouldn't have had the backbone to come here and tell you to your face. He seems to have known how you would react."

"You can't seriously be supporting him Mark!" Winston said. Though he was no longer yelling, his voice still was far from quiet. "For God's sake, he's throwing his life away!"

"No, Winston," replied Mark, standing up, "he's simply not living it like you want him to. And as you pointed out, I am his godfather. You and Kate asked me to be a part of his life: I'm certainly not abandoning him now."

Winston set his jaw and glared at Mark. His voice was no longer raised, but icy and calm. "Fine, you want to be a part of his life, go ahead. I'm done." Turning to Noah he continued "I want nothing more to do with you Noah. Get out, both of you."

Mark put his hand on Noah's shoulder as they walked to the door. But before he left, Noah paused and turned back. He looked at Winston and said "Goodbye sir," before shut the door.

Then Winston when to the liquor cabinet in the living room and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a glass. As he closed the cabinet door he a picture on top of the cabinet. On the left sat an army officer in his late twenties wearing a dress uniform with a gold bar on his collar. His arm was wrapped around the woman next to him. Despite her beauty, it was apparent that she was frail: her dark brown hair and her bright blue dress stood out against her pail skin. At their feet was a young child, their son, dressed in a small suit with a bow tie. Noah was only two in the picture. It was the last picture of the family from before Kate died; it was taken just before Winston had left for his first overseas posting.

Putting his hand behind the picture and pushed it forward. He ignore the sound of the frame's glass breaking as it hit the wood and took his glass and bottle to his bedroom.

In the morning, Winston found Noah's key to the front door on the kitchen table, right where his son had been sitting when he had arrived home.


End file.
